Why its better to be a woman

Its better to be a woman then a man because:

- women can be groupies, male groupies are stalkers

-men die earlier so you women can cash the life insurance policys

-women can dance and hug other women without worrying if people thing their gay

-women can forget to shave no one will notice

-women never regret piercing their ears

-women can wear mens clothing without looking stupid

Brain at a bar

Brain walks into a bar

Brain "Ill have a beer"

Bartender "Sorry i cant serve you"

Brain "Why not?"

Bartender " Your already out of your mind"

Things your dad wont say

5- I think ill stop and ask for directions

4- Here's my credit card go crazy

3- Your mother and i are going away think about throwing a party

2- Why do u want to find a job?

1- Fathers Day well its no big deal

Lazy Workers

A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Bear Jokes

Whats brown and flys through the forest at over 100km and hour?

A Bear with a jet pack

What do you get when you cross a bear with a cow patty?

Winnie the Pooh

How do you know if theirs a polar bear under your bed?

Your nose touches the ceiling

Doctor Jokes

Patient: Doctor do you have something for a bad headache?
Doctor: Yes take this brick and smash it over your head then youll have a bad headache


Patient: Doctor i keep getting a pain in my eye when i drink coffee
Doctor: Have you tried drinking it without the spoon in it?


Patient: Doctor will this cream clear my spots?
Doctor: I never make rash promises


Patient: Doctor you need to help me, my hands dont stop shaking
Doctor: Do you drink alot?
Patient: No i keep spilling my drinks


Patient: Doctor i got this gash from a razor cut
Doctor: Then i guess it must be a close shave

The Chief is out

A man is speeding down the street and is pulled over by a cop. The cop says "your going so fast that your going to jail." The man says "Wait officer let me explain." The cop turns and says "just be quiet, youre going to jail until the chief comes in" The man replys "great...". Once back at the station the cop tells the man "It will be your lucky day the chief is at a wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he comes back." The man replys "I doubt it im the groom."

Mama Jokes

Your momma is so fat she uses a vcr for a pager

Your momma is so fat she uses hola hoops to hold up her socks

Your momma is so fat when she stands up people scream "Eclipse"

Your momma is so fat the michelin guy is looking to date her

Your momma is so fat she hide's when its Thanksgiving

Your momma is so fat the kids in the neighbourhood use her for rock climbing

Your momma is so fat they sit her in the parking lot when she goes to the movies

Your momma is so fat when you take a family photo its always an aerial shot

Your momma is so fat she uses a swimming pool to take a bath

Your momma is so fat that when she's on a cruise the use her as an anchor

Your momma is so fat she is the banana boat when on vacation

Your momma is so fat when she falls every yells "Timber"

Your momma is so fat she dressed up as Mount Everest for Halloween

Your momma is so fat that Santa Claus leaves her cookies at X mas

Your momma is so fat that the donkey rides her through the mountains

Am i a Turtle?

Psychiatrist: Whats your problem?

Patient: I think im a turtle

Psychiatrist: How long have you though that?

Patient: Ever since i was an egg

The Circling Fly

A fly flew into a farmers field while the farmer milked his cow as it keep cirling the head of the farmer he waved his hands and tried to swat it away, the fly then flew right into the ear of the cow. The farmer sat back down and continued milking the cow, next thing you know the bug is in his bucket. So it went in one ear and out the udder.

Turkey Joke

A large Turkey wobbled his way onto the baseball diamond looking for a tryout with the local baseball team, so he walked up to the manager and asked for a tryout, the manager with a chuckle said "sure your up" and handed him a bat. The Turkey hit homer after homer after homer, the manager ran up and told the Turkey "your in." The Manager said "Ill make sure that we give you a big contract and bonus." in which the turkey replied "Forget all that does your season go past Thanksgiving?"